To trust the moment
Walking past this wall, 2021
I’ve been famously bad at preparation.
A long time, most of my life really, I thought this was a character flaw. The girl who danced in to situations with nothing on her feet. Careless and carefree, it might have looked to others. Starting (and finishing!) something new in the burning last hour before an event. Examples: getting the idea and deciding to go to university and choosing my major through finding a catalogue on a friends kitchen table (and starting class the very next day), sewing a ball gown the same day as the ball, writing the very important fund application the last day it’s due, deciding to have and producing a child after a few months of acquaintance with said child’s father, quitting a job without any idea of what to do next and without any money to provide for my family, moving from one end of the country to the other on a whim, with man and three small children and without a clue of why. Always without a clue of why, just feeling it.
I could see that this inclination to do things that just occurred in the moment, to some extent was following inspiration. And that this part was a good thing. However, other peoples reactions, in addition to the very obvious lack of time, made me think it was something wrong with this modus operandi. Ill-prepared, unconsidered, thoughtless. If I only could do the things I do AND have a plan. I figured I would do better if I would sort out in advance what steps to take, formulate a goal and assess the time and resources needed. I felt flawed and like a mess.
Today I think somewhat differently.
I see that all the skills I ever have acquired around strategy, planning, goal setting and time management cannot begin to replace the deep wisdom and clear inspiration and guidance that is made obvious in the moment.
When I look back, all the things above turned out perfectly. Not without hustle, not without fear or work or sweat. But perfectly. The best and most life changing decisions I’ve made in my life has been not so much a decision but a result of just suddenly being on my way, being about to, not realizing I even had a choice or decision to make. Just suddenly acting on something that was clear to act on.
I trust this “decision making” process now. I even set it up. It goes like this:
“I don’t know what to do about this or that. Oh, well, I’ll know when I know. Until I do, I don’t. Until I do, I won’t (try to decide, figure out, press on, do pros and cons etc).”
That’s it.
The best part is that the complimentary feelings of being a mess, thoughtless, irresponsible and flawed are gone. Not needed anymore. They were never a part of the set up of what made those actions real. They were in fact what could have stood in their way. I’m so glad they didn’t, so glad the force behind the movements I got to be a part of was stronger and I didn’t stop myself. I’m so thankful I got to go to university and study philosophy for two years, that lead me to three more years and a degree. I’m ever so thankful of my daughter, like hey, what if I would have been sensible?! And the money came my way since the application became loaded with spirit and inspiration (is my very knowledgeable interpretation)(and the fund did send me a special note that the application was clear, beautiful and thorough). And even if not at all important, it is great fun to go to a university ball in the best looking, sparkling gown– because Inspiration wouldn’t be so cruel as to make you sew an ordinary and plain one.
Love
/Johanna